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punchinbag
Freshman
Posts: 49
Registered: Dec 2008 |
 Posted April 17th, 2009 05:49 AM IP   
The other day my son asked "Dad? Who did I get my brains from? You, or mom."
I thought for a bit and replied "Well, you must have got them from your mother because I have still got mine."
I fart in your general direction...
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:09 AM IP
Think before you speak....
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak ((the last one is great!) Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take thewords back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:10 AM IP
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me...
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:10 AM IP
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help... I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:12 AM IP
FOURTH TESTIMONY
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:14 AM IP
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room... While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Champ
Senior
Posts: 1573
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 17th, 2009 08:16 AM IP
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!
2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 04:59 PM IP
ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here and hung up. The husband said, Who was that The wife said, I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 04:59 PM IP
TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, Hmm, this person looks familiar. The second blonde says, Here, let me see! So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, You dummy, it's me!
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:00 PM IP
THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, No, honey, don't do it. The blonde replies, Shut up, you're next!
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:00 PM IP
FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? The blonde replies, Oh, that's easy W
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:01 PM IP
FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:02 PM IP
SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am? Yes, officer, I'm just fine the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world did this happen? The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. Officer, it was the strangest thing! The blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another T.... Uh, ma'am, the officer said, cutting her off, There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:02 PM IP
SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!
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Neutron 14
Imperial Grand Poobah
Posts: 7181
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 05:07 PM IP
Dmom types fast for a blonde... 
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
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tomASS
Bored Troll
Posts: 11184
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 06:04 PM IP
Quote:
Neutron 14 wrote:
Dmom types fast for a blonde...
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I'm thinking cut and paste and her fingers are sticky from the glue
Clueless in Carver County
YNWA
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EREmpireStrikesBack
The Man
Posts: 2145
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 07:51 PM IP
LOL. Those gave me a good chuckle, especially the blind policeman.
Elk River AA State Champions- 2001 Boys & 2004 Girls
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 08:32 PM IP
Quote:
Neutron 14 wrote:
Dmom types fast for a blonde...
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Bottle blonde....like ninety percent of the rest of the female population of the world.
My mama always told me, "as long as you know how to type fast, you will never starve"
who could have imagined voice recognition software, damn
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Cornbread
Vice-Poobah
Posts: 4094
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 19th, 2009 09:25 PM IP
Quote:
Neutron 14 wrote:
Dmom types fast for a blonde...
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I thought she was a MILF Cougar?
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 01:21 PM IP
Quote:
Cornbread wrote:
I thought she was a MILF Cougar?
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I'll have to have the teenager translate or would that be a bad idea?
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 01:21 PM IP
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching a bit impatiently.
She stares back at them and says defiantly, "Obviously all those f***ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men smiled. "Well, there you have it lady. Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead."
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Neutron 14
Imperial Grand Poobah
Posts: 7181
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 01:34 PM IP
Quote:
Dmom wrote:
I'll have to have the teenager translate or would that be a bad idea?
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If your kids ride the bus, they know what a MILF is. Lots of good stuff is learned on the bus...
Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
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puck bag
Sophomore
Posts: 671
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 01:40 PM IP
Quote:
Dmom wrote:
I'll have to have the teenager translate or would that be a bad idea?
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Just be drink'n when you do! Ah the value of public (bus) education. Just think - the Flamer was a product of our fine institutions.
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
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puck bag
Sophomore
Posts: 671
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 02:43 PM IP
Quote:
Dmom wrote:
I'll have to have the teenager translate or would that be a bad idea?
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Oh...and don't do it on the way home and do this
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30344675/?GT1=43001
or the caca could really hit the fan up there!
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
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Indians Forever
Junior
Posts: 1154
Registered: Jan 2009 |
Posted April 22nd, 2009 09:39 PM IP
Quote:
puck bag wrote:
Just be drink'n when you do! Ah the value of public (bus) education. Just think - the Flamer was a product of our fine institutions.
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Very True!! 
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 23rd, 2009 06:18 AM IP
Oh, for crap's sake. That's ridiculous. Those kids aren't 4 and 6. A 10 year old girl knows how to sit down and shut up when told to by a parent who, as my children are well aware--could actually hurt someone while driving a vehicle. You don't follow the rules, you don't get to ride, therefore you walk.
They shouldn't need electronic pacifiers to follow the rules. Good for Mom!
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puck bag
Sophomore
Posts: 671
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 23rd, 2009 09:29 AM IP
Quote:
Dmom wrote:
Oh, for crap's sake. That's ridiculous. Those kids aren't 4 and 6. A 10 year old girl knows how to sit down and shut up when told to by a parent who, as my children are well aware--could actually hurt someone while driving a vehicle. You don't follow the rules, you don't get to ride, therefore you walk.
They shouldn't need electronic pacifiers to follow the rules. Good for Mom!
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I'm sure Elliott walked three miles home everyday from school. What I think is interesting is that the older sister musta chucked the younger one!
I agree - the Mom probably did the right thing ... although I do think she's going to pay for it. No mention of the mister either but looking at that picture he might have fled a longggggg time ago.
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
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Dmom
All-State
Posts: 2792
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 27th, 2009 11:10 AM IP
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
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puck bag
Sophomore
Posts: 671
Registered: Nov 2008 |
Posted April 27th, 2009 03:14 PM IP
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
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MinnesotaHockeyForums.com :: Everything Else :: The Lodge :: Just for fun - The Sequel
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