Okay, if TA is on the left then the middle guy has to be Govs
2011 MHF Biggest Rack contest winner - sorry Dmom
CNT Crown Royal Posts: 7658 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 4th, 2009 08:49 AM IPThat's funny,
I hadn't thought of Digger, but he fits the right pretty well, I put BS on the left..still thinking about the middle guy, so many choices there!
Govs93 Class A's #1 Fan! Posts: 7892 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 6th, 2009 11:47 AM IPThis one is for TA:
What's up with that?
tomASS Bored Troll Posts: 11184 Registered: Nov 2008
The end bothers me the most. When the one kid gets hurt, play is stopped and the opposing team kneels down. What an American PC act that has been promoted too long and still occurs too often today. What?! like it' suppose to show good sportsmanship? It's not going to make the kid feel any better.
proper thing to do is if you believe the opposing player is actually hurt and you have possession, put the ball out of bounds down the field. Let the referee or coach attend to the hurt player and go have yourself a drink of water near the sidelines. There are very few opportunities for a coach to talk to you as a team during the course of play. Get you butts over there and talk about adjustments.
Pet Peeve of mine- at the state tourney a few years ago a team from Mankato did the kneeling down when one of my players got hurt. They were 15 years old and the coach was telling them to kneel down. I walked out on the field to attend to my player and told the Mankato team that they looked silly and they should get themselves some water and go talk to their coach.
needless to say the coach got mad at me for these instructions. I told him he might as well put his players in skirts and bows if he expects them to also kneel down. Good thing we beat them.
Clueless in Carver County
YNWA
Govs93 Class A's #1 Fan! Posts: 7892 Registered: Nov 2008
Okay, if TA is on the left then the middle guy has to be Govs
I would have used an aluminum bat then. If you want to cause damage you have to use the right weapon. It's not like we are cracking egg shells here. Clueless in Carver County
YNWA
Indians Forever Junior Posts: 1154 Registered: Jan 2009
Posted July 7th, 2009 03:03 PM IPThis was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better
the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot w ire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on
fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I
could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm
so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece
of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts
and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with
my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But
nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command
from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had
created.
=0 AI honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where
the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
puck bag Sophomore Posts: 671 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 10th, 2009 09:54 AM IPThis recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shi t my pants too". The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
puck bag Sophomore Posts: 671 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 10th, 2009 03:34 PM IPEarly Christmas Gifts for you rink rats!
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
Govs93 Class A's #1 Fan! Posts: 7892 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 13th, 2009 08:21 AM IPWhat are Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and Michael Jackson getting for Christmas?
Patrick Swayze.
Too soon?What's up with that?
Neutron 14 Imperial Grand Poobah Posts: 7202 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 17th, 2009 02:28 PM IPWhat retired people do!
Working people frequently ask, retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Posted July 21st, 2009 09:16 AM IPSome Chuck Norris rants:
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is another fist.
God said let there be light. And Chuck Norris said, "O.K."
Apple pays 99 cents everytime he listens to a song.
There is no theory of evolution.. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take **** from anybody.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Character is who you are when no one is watching
CNT Crown Royal Posts: 7658 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 21st, 2009 03:18 PM IPRemember this one !!
Good for a laugh!!
puck bag Sophomore Posts: 671 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 23rd, 2009 01:11 PM IPA small zoo in Missouri obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
puck bag Sophomore Posts: 671 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 23rd, 2009 01:18 PM IPOn a more serious note:
Subject: You could have heard a pin drop
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by
the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example
of empire building by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many
of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in
return is enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended
to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied: 'Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from
their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France
have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked
sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France
previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look then he quietly
explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a
passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.The PUCK at the bottom of the bag
Quote: puck bag wrote:
A small zoo in Missouri obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."
Hey! That was Mrs. Champs Cousin!2011 MHF Cup Winner
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Indians Forever Junior Posts: 1154 Registered: Jan 2009
Posted July 27th, 2009 01:47 PM IPWhy females should avoid a girls night out after they are married . . .
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my
husband that I would be home by
midnight, 'I promise'! Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down
way too easily. Around 3 a.m.,
a bit loaded, I hopped in a taxi and headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. Even when totally smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem upset
in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said 'oh ****' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped
over the coffee table and farted.
Neutron 14 Imperial Grand Poobah Posts: 7202 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 27th, 2009 01:50 PM IPDmom got busted again!Believe in Yourself
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
CNT Crown Royal Posts: 7658 Registered: Nov 2008
Posted July 28th, 2009 02:29 PM IPIf I was in the pool I'd say 88 is good!.
OGEE OGELTHORPE Poobah Posts: 7327 Registered: Nov 2008
