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richlyblest
Librarian
Posts: 1395
Registered: Aug 2009 |
 Posted September 6th, 2011 07:43 PM IP   
Since Emily was newborn, it's been apparent that she has a hot temper. She gets very angry when I don't do what she wants, and she doesn't get over it quickly, if ever, either.
Let's say she got up from a good nap 45 minutes ago. I changed her and fed her, and I've held her for the last 30 minutes. There is laundry to do, dishes to wash, food to make. That's not counting all the other jobs that have to get done. She's not really that happy on my lap either.
So, I can put her on the floor to play. She might be happy, or she might get really angry and not stop screaming unless I pick her up again. Or she might play happily for awhile, but she keeps a close eye on me, and the second I stand up to do some of my other work, she'll get very angry. If I don't pick her up, she'll throw another temper tantrum. Again, she doesn't get over the tantrum unless I pick her up. Especially not if I remain standing and/or working.
Mornings are usually okay. She'll often play nicely until she gets tired, then she'll take a good morning nap. Afternoons are horrible, though 
I know someday she won't be this clingy, but the hot temper really concerns me. I thought Kierra could get mad, but she's mild compared to Emily. I also know that hot tempers don't normally go away on their own, especially when a child is that way fom birth. Is their ANYTHING you can do to teach an almost 10-month-old that it's NOT okay to scream relentlessly whenever something isn't to your liking? She does understand the word "no" when she goes to touch something, but I can't seem to teach her not to get angry when I'm not doing exactly what she wants. Help!
Audrey ~ Kendall's wife, mom to Kierra and Emily, and Lauren (in heaven)
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Momof2
Bookworm
Posts: 3010
Registered: Mar 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 07:33 AM IP
No help here, but you have my sympathy! Praying God will give you wisdom.
Amber
Mama to Carson, Brooklyn, Avery & Alena
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eldmon2008
Bookworm
Posts: 2045
Registered: Jun 2009 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 09:16 AM IP
I'm sorry Audrey. It's bad enough dealing with a fussy baby, much less an angry one! My brother used to hold theirs tight when they got mad, until they calmed down. Makayla was pry about 8 months old when I tried it for her. Never again . She panicked so bad I thought she was going to pass out. Very claustrophobic just like her daddy! So I would say be careful with that, but depending how she is it might help.
The best thing for Makayla at that age was a swat or two and I would tell her that she may not get mad but she was nothing compared to what you're dealing with. I'll pray that God will give you wisdom!
~Monica, wife to Eldon and mama to Makayla and Michael and Emily
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lenni724
Bookworm
Posts: 1118
Registered: Jun 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 09:40 AM IP
If it was my child, I would definitely try spanking. Ours were able to connect the spanking with the wrong behavior by that age. It sounds to me like she's trying to control you.
Lanita ~
wife to Phil
mommy to
Ariana Beth (with Jesus) 7.11.07
Kaelin Rionna 12.18.08
Dyllon Zachary 8.29.10
Traimley Shaw 12.14.11
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rallyjan
Bookworm
Posts: 2766
Registered: Jun 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 10:22 AM IP
If she's nearly 10 mo. old already, I'd say that you have a master manipulater on your hands if she throws a fit when you try to get something done! She's thinking, "OK, Mom is ignoring me again, and I'm gonna make her feel guilty. She notice if i pitch a fit!"
Personally, I'd 'reward' that fit w/ a spanking, and she would probably soon learn that it's not worth it. It would probably take several times/days.
Sometimes, I might let something slide until I really have time to deal with it. Like, when trying to get ready for church is NOT the time to try and follow through with a training session, unless you want to be late.
My littlest one was so clingy, and there were times it seemed that she just knew when I had a deadline, such as getting ready to go somewhere, or needing to get a meal ready. She enjoyed looking at magazines, so there were times I'd plop her on the couch, give her a book, and tell her to look at it for a while. That would distract her enough that I could finish what I needed to. If she refused and kept screaming/crying, I'd just take the time needed to spank and talk with her. She is nearly three now and still the one with the shortest fuse and beats up her older siblings, but also the most ready to make up and forget the offense. A child like that needs lots of hugs and reassurance that they are still loved.
Jan
Mama to Zachary, Leandra and Kandace
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damys
Bookworm
Posts: 1301
Registered: Mar 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 11:30 AM IP
Brayden was much like that after naps. I was exhausted and tired of trying things. Spankings did not work for me. It went on and on for a good hour or more after that nap. One day, I called Dana and begged him to come home. He did and it was like Brayden knew the minute his dad was in the door he was in trouble cause he started to behave. He got a spanking from his dad and he was completely different. (I can't remember how old...that incident was, but he was always grouchy when he woke up) That took care of that day, but didn't fix the problem.
He kind of outgrew it somewhere along the line, except he still doesn't wake up happy. You should see the sparkle in Brentens' eyes when he comes down in the morning... but not his brothers. sigh.
Brayden does have a quick temper problem. I never connected it with that back then. I wish I could have had more tips on how to control it then. But sorry, Lanita, (since your my sister I hope I can say it) Brayden got WAY more spankings than he should have or any of the others did and he has WAY more of a temper than any of them. And none of them are perfect.
amy
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janelleandco
Bookworm
Posts: 766
Registered: Aug 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 11:37 AM IP
Lessons I've learned from my now 3 1/2 year old with a fiery temper:
1. Find a punishment that gets her attention (sometimes multiple forms of discipline, because if the child is very strong willed the same one over and over "wears off").
2. Be consistent (ouch)
3. Don't be surprised if that^^^form of discipline takes a long time to work, even with consistency. Even though kids like this *get it* after awhile, they are usually so impulsive and driven by their anger that they don't care when they're in the moment.
4. I echo what Jan said, these children often also have very sweet spirits, and the right combination of attention and discipline can go a long way. (we're still trying to figure out what that right combo is)
5. Learn her trigger points. For example, it took awhile to figure out that Eden threw more tantrums in crowds; to this day it's hard to control her in an unfamiliar crowd. She literally loses it and there's not much that will stop that, although she's slowly learning how to deal with it. But when I know her anger is coming from her inability to "deal", like she puts it  I can help her a little better. Like sitting in a quiet corner while she grabs my hands to put over her ears.
I know Emily's still a baby, but these are things I wish I could've realized when Eden was a baby throwing tantrums. Unless this is just a stage, you're in it for the long haul. Conventional advice has long left me feeling either like I was a horrible mom or I had a misfit of a child. Things like spanking always works (really?!), all it takes is a few times (try months or years!!!), children just need to know their limits (well yes, I agree, but mine has known hers for quite awhile and it hasn't seemed to help much!)
And eventually, you'll get to see the positive side of her stubbornness, because there is a positive! I already see tiny glimpses of it and it is a HUGE boost to my sometimes muddled brain!
Janelle
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lenni724
Bookworm
Posts: 1118
Registered: Jun 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 12:09 PM IP
Quote:
But sorry, Lanita, (since your my sister I hope I can say it) Brayden got WAY more spankings than he should have or any of the others did and he has WAY more of a temper than any of them. And none of them are perfect.
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Of course you can. I don't have a child with a extremely hot temper so I don't know what works. I just know that I would try spanking. If it doesn't work try something else. I just know that I would go crazy if I had a child like that and would definitely want to find something that helps. I feel bad for you, Audrey. I think it's bad when my kids just whine at my skirts for a little.
Lanita ~
wife to Phil
mommy to
Ariana Beth (with Jesus) 7.11.07
Kaelin Rionna 12.18.08
Dyllon Zachary 8.29.10
Traimley Shaw 12.14.11
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Meadowlark
Librarian
Posts: 453
Registered: Sep 2008 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 12:34 PM IP
Janelle, you're right on target with your observations about a strong willed/angry child. Audrey, if your child is a typical child then the advice to try some swats should work for her. If she's what Janelle is describing, you'll probably figure out pretty soon if it's not working. When our first-born was younger she fit most of Janelle's description so I know what it's like. There really are those children where spanking doesn't consistently bring desired results and parents go through a lot of tears, frustration and prayers.
Our second-born is probably an average child when it comes to discipline. When I see how he responds to correction, I understand why some well-meaning parents gave us the advice they did with our firstborn. It's a completely different way of life when a child responds quickly to correction vs. what Janelle described.
Monica mentioned how her daughter got claustrophobic when she was held tightly. A mom of twins said when she was working with them to sit quietly in church, the one needed to be taken out and given a quick swat or two. The other one responded well when she was held tightly rather than swatted. It can take trial and error to figure out what works.
May you have wisdom in knowing how to parent your daughter. It would be interesting to have an update in several weeks.
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millerseven
Bookworm
Posts: 674
Registered: Jul 2007 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 02:06 PM IP
Do you have one of those baby seats where she could sit and watch you wherever you are working? I know that's not the answer to the temper problem, but maybe if she was very close by where you are, it might help a little.
This is interesting as I read through the comments. It makes me wonder if this is one of my little boys. We haven't had one like him that I can remember.
Cathy
Wife of Gerald
Mom of Brendan (13) Kara (11) Tyler (8) Andre and Alex (5)
Weight Loss Center is your best free resource for weight loss
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mammaof5
Bookworm
Posts: 534
Registered: Oct 2010 |
Posted September 7th, 2011 10:21 PM IP
I am wondering if you have tried ignoring her. Our oldest and one of our others threw temper tantrums (although I think they were maybe around a year old), with our oldest we tried spanking, etc. We finally came to the conclusion that what they were after was attention, and even a spanking was getting what they wanted - attention. So we decided we would just ignore them, and that really worked well for us. It took some time, but we would just go on about our work or what we were doing, and let them scream. They soon realized that no one was even noticing them, and would give up. Now I am sure that this would not work for all children, it is just a suggestion. May God give you lots of patience and strength.
Susie wife to Ben, mom to Darren 14,
Cheyanne 12, Jared 10, Hannah 8,
Jacob 3 and Brooke newborn
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richlyblest
Librarian
Posts: 1395
Registered: Aug 2009 |
Posted September 8th, 2011 07:29 PM IP
Thanks, ladies! She's been better the last 2 days, thankfully. It doesn't take care of the problem, but at least the problem doesn't look so huge! I have renewed determination to work with her and find a solution! It's good to know that there are a few other children like her, although only a few 
Quote:
eldmon2008 wrote:
My brother used to hold theirs tight when they got mad, until they calmed down. |
She doesn't even mind that. She likes to be held tightly to go to sleep, and she has what she wants- me holding her!
I've tried a swat or two or even a spanking, but unless she's being naughty while on my lap, she doesn't make the connection at all. Maybe if I had a long stick and would swat her from across the room...  But if I pick her up, she instantly forgets that she was screaming, and doesn't get why I would punish her. It's a lot easier when a child is 3 or 4!!
Quote:
janelleandco wrote:
Lessons I've learned from my now 3 1/2 year old with a fiery temper:
1. Find a punishment that gets her attention (sometimes multiple forms of discipline, because if the child is very strong willed the same one over and over "wears off").
2. Be consistent (ouch)
3. Don't be surprised if that^^^form of discipline takes a long time to work, even with consistency. Even though kids like this *get it* after awhile, they are usually so impulsive and driven by their anger that they don't care when they're in the moment.
4. I echo what Jan said, these children often also have very sweet spirits, and the right combination of attention and discipline can go a long way. (we're still trying to figure out what that right combo is)
5. Learn her trigger points. For example, it took awhile to figure out that Eden threw more tantrums in crowds; to this day it's hard to control her in an unfamiliar crowd. She literally loses it and there's not much that will stop that, although she's slowly learning how to deal with it. But when I know her anger is coming from her inability to "deal", like she puts it I can help her a little better. Like sitting in a quiet corner while she grabs my hands to put over her ears.
I know Emily's still a baby, but these are things I wish I could've realized when Eden was a baby throwing tantrums. Unless this is just a stage, you're in it for the long haul. Conventional advice has long left me feeling either like I was a horrible mom or I had a misfit of a child. Things like spanking always works (really?!), all it takes is a few times (try months or years!!!), children just need to know their limits (well yes, I agree, but mine has known hers for quite awhile and it hasn't seemed to help much!)
And eventually, you'll get to see the positive side of her stubbornness, because there is a positive! I already see tiny glimpses of it and it is a HUGE boost to my sometimes muddled brain! |
This sounds SO much like Emily. And yes, Emily is a very sweet, happy child WHEN she has what she wants. The problem is, she wants more than is always possible to give! Number 3--- yeah, that's what I'm afraid of! The thing is, in some ways, I {get} Emily because most of her personality she inherited from me. Temper and all (Ouch!!) And I've never mastered my temper like I wish (being a mom to two difficult babies has taught me that ) and I hope I can help Emily somewhere, somehow.
Quote:
millerseven wrote:
Do you have one of those baby seats where she could sit and watch you wherever you are working? I know that's not the answer to the temper problem, but maybe if she was very close by where you are, it might help a little. |
I haven't tried this since she crawls all over and can play on her own (quite happily as long as I'm sitting on the couch!! ). It didn't work when she was younger. She can always come to me, and the majority of my jobs, I'm not in the exact same place for an length of time. Like if I were washing dishes, I would have to go to the other room to clear the table, or put dishes away in the other side of the kitchen. She would perceive that as me walking away from her, and she would get angry.
Quote:
mammaof5 wrote:
I am wondering if you have tried ignoring her. Our oldest and one of our others threw temper tantrums (although I think they were maybe around a year old), with our oldest we tried spanking, etc. We finally came to the conclusion that what they were after was attention, and even a spanking was getting what they wanted - attention. So we decided we would just ignore them, and that really worked well for us. It took some time, but we would just go on about our work or what we were doing, and let them scream. They soon realized that no one was even noticing them, and would give up. Now I am sure that this would not work for all children, it is just a suggestion. May God give you lots of patience and strength. |
I can't count how many times I've tried ignoring her, whether by choice or out of necessity. She won't give up. Part of it is because she can't soothe herself. So even if I let her scream for an hour, and my nerves are completely frayed, she'll keep on, and when I go to get her, she thinks she's won. But the part of her wanting attention and even a spanking being attention-- yeah. That's her. Funny thing, once again, the few times that ignoring her has worked, it's been when I was sitting (not standing or walking around or working) nearby.
I don't know what we'll do with our girl! Days like today, I think we'll manage alright, but some days I am at my wit's end, and then some. I will confess that I feel pangs of jealousy whenever I hear about these really good babies, or babies that were fussy, or go through rough spots, but the moms soon figured out a solution. I went from a difficult child to a more difficult child, as well as losing a child, and I'm kinda thinking that the next time, I'm due for a living, normal, healthy, happy- easy child! Being a mom has been VERY challenging for me! But don't get me wrong, I am so glad Kierra and Emily are both healthy children. We have a lot to be thankful for with that. When I was pregnant with Emily, I prayed for a living, healthy, normal child. If my prayers were a letter I wrote, happy would've been written in small letters or as a P.S. So at least I got the most important parts of my prayer answered! That doesn't mean that I don't get overwhelmed or have no idea what to do when she gets so upset or needs 100% of my time when I do have other things that have to be done!
Audrey ~ Kendall's wife, mom to Kierra and Emily, and Lauren (in heaven)
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janelleandco
Bookworm
Posts: 766
Registered: Aug 2007 |
Posted September 14th, 2011 10:11 AM IP
Audrey-- I will pray for you as you find something that works for Emily.
Janelle
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citymama
Avid Reader
Posts: 220
Registered: Nov 2010 |
Posted September 14th, 2011 10:47 AM IP
I'm with Amber- I have no advice but lots of sympathy! Praying for LOTS of wisdom and patience for you. And I appreciate what I hear you saying...you LOVE your two healthy little girls, but like any mom, get worn out and overwhelmed at times too. I understand!
(Edited by citymama)
Lydia, wife to Vince and Mom to Logan (7/26/08), Eleni Jo- our sweet baby in Heaven (11/11/10) and Sophia (12/14/11)
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janelleandco
Bookworm
Posts: 766
Registered: Aug 2007 |
Posted November 28th, 2011 11:54 AM IP
How's it going by now, Audrey?
Janelle
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richlyblest
Librarian
Posts: 1395
Registered: Aug 2009 |
Posted November 28th, 2011 12:42 PM IP
Thanks for thinking of us, Janelle. Hmm... well, it's not been as intense as it was back then, but she has demonstrated quite often lately that she has a temper. Not necessarily in screaming as much as she used to. I guess you could say that while we really haven't had much progress in taming her temper, she has become more pleasant to be around, and the situation isn't as extreme. I am happy to say that I have been feeling much more bonded with her than ever. She really is one of the sweetest little girls I've known- as long as she has attention (from anyone), enough sleep, and nothing happens to make her mad!
And she is getting to the stage that she is starting to make the connection between a punishment and her naughty behavior, so perhaps sometime we will get somewhere.
Although, isn't it funny- as a mom, you tough it out with your children for months or years, and finally you think you have gotten somewhere, that all your hard work is finally showing results, and then... they go through a stage that makes you wonder if anything you have taught them sank in! Kierra was doing so good, but lately she has not been good at taking much needed naps- and her behavior has gotten much worse. It's almost pointless to try to get through to her when she is too tired!
Audrey ~ Kendall's wife, mom to Kierra and Emily, and Lauren (in heaven)
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janelleandco
Bookworm
Posts: 766
Registered: Aug 2007 |
Posted November 29th, 2011 01:15 PM IP
Quote:
richlyblest wrote:
Although, isn't it funny- as a mom, you tough it out with your children for months or years, and finally you think you have gotten somewhere, that all your hard work is finally showing results, and then... they go through a stage that makes you wonder if anything you have taught them sank in!
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Do I ever know what you mean!
Janelle
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cretorakline
Bookworm
Posts: 909
Registered: Mar 2007 |
Posted November 29th, 2011 04:15 PM IP
Audrey, if it's any comfort, our youngst has a fiery temper as well. His disposition is 110% sanguine, so while he's the 'life of the party" if he doesnt get his own way, he throws a huge fit. Right now he's throwing himself on the floor. What I do is swat the fat part of his leg and say, "no". He usually dissolves in tears. and it's over. However, he's so much like our first born, that i know this is FAR from over. With her we did an ignore tactic which worked beautifully! We had tried spanking and that didn't work. But ultimately, I do think it's good to nip it in the bud with whatever works for that child. Sure helps to keep it from building momentum.
Blessed mama to Cali-11, Charles-10, Bryce-8, Braden-6, Jamon-4, Asher-22 mo., Joash-9/6/12. Well-loved wife for 12 amazing years.
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cretorakline
Bookworm
Posts: 909
Registered: Mar 2007 |
Posted November 29th, 2011 04:16 PM IP
btw-he's not 6 months like my tagline says-he's 12 1/2 months rightnow.
Blessed mama to Cali-11, Charles-10, Bryce-8, Braden-6, Jamon-4, Asher-22 mo., Joash-9/6/12. Well-loved wife for 12 amazing years.
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A Page in the Life of A Mom :: Chapters of Motherhood :: Infants and Toddlers :: A Baby with a temper |
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